Showing up as my REAL self
Showing up in life as my authentic self has taken me time. First it was important that I understood how I hadn’t been my true-self much of my life as really…., how would I know? I was trained in my family of origin to “Act” and not “Be”, so I was conditioned out of the gate with this way of being, this way of thinking in order to survive in my home growing up. Belief systems were tossed on me by my parents because they didn’t know how to nurtured me in the way children need to be nurtured, as my parents were mentally sick; I’m sure due to their dysfunctional upbringing.
What happened in my family growing up is a classic case of Unconscious parenting which millions of parents do. Unconscious parenting keeps generational trauma alive and well. Until consciousness enters the picture, things are not likely to change. In my case, it’s taken much of my life to understand what happened, why I felt crazy, why I never felt I fit in, and why I felt the need to pretend to be different than who I am. I had this way of being down to a science from childhood which made it difficult to realize when “I thought” I was fine, but really I wasn’t.
Had I learned the wisdom in being Triggered earlier in life, maybe I would have been able to figure out my truth sooner, but because I didn’t understand the “Gifts are in my Triggers”, I felt compelled to medicate these feelings/triggers every chance I had. Feelings of anxiety plagued me most my life, and I didn’t realize my anxiety was from repressed emotions that were created in childhood. When ever I felt anxious, I now know was my bodies way of telling me:
1. Stop, 2. Pause, 3. Pay Attention, 4. Relax, 5. Feel & 6. Observe my Thoughts.
Had I been able to stay present long enough to do these 6 most important things, while learning to take control of my negative thinking, healing would have happened sooner, but no one in my sphere was able to teach me this most valuable lesson.
Reading and practicing the “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, helped me understand in another way about moving “Repressed Emotions” out of my body. Eckhart shares about the “Pain Body” in such a way that helped me understand this phenomenon, and what to do once experiencing a trigger. As my awareness increased while feeling my anxiety (past trauma), while changing my thoughts; miracles started to happen inside me. I discovered this most important exercise and its become the key in connecting me to my real-self. Since reading “The Power of Now” and studying the “Pain Body” I became aware of this phenomenon. It was only then that I was able to: STOP - PAUSE - PAY ATTENTION - RELAX - FEEL & OBSERVE MY THOUGHTS to allow this repression to leave. I’ve been practicing this way of being for 7 years now as I repeat this exercise at the occurrence of every trigger, and I SEE clearly that I am now connected to myself in away I’ve never been before. Being courageous enough to get near this past pain was the most important step in my ultimate transformation.
I understand suicide, I understand why people take their lives as past traumas that reside in our bodies create pain that is unexplainable. There were many times I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to walk this earth, as the pain inside me was so great; … telling myself.. “What’s the point? Why should I care? etc…”, and for some reason that I don’t understand, the deeper part of me won out and I didn’t try to take my life, but instead figure out how to embrace my pain while telling myself a new story. A new story that is the truth, and the truth being this: A trigger, (past pain-repressed emotions), are just that. These feelings won’t kill me, but my thoughts may. As I became aware of my triggers and this truth, I began to tell myself:
“This pain will pass, hang in there Diana, things will get better. This pain that you’re feeling is pain from your childhood that was never processed. As long as you don’t dwell , linger with this pain for too long, or stay in morbid reflection, but instead, observe this pain with a detached point of view; your trauma will have a chance in leaving, while transforming you a little more each time.”
And this is what I did…. and continue to do as I’ve discovered this exercise gets me closer to myself.
Every day now is an opportunity for me to learn. Learn something about myself, something authentic, as the “GIFT is in the TRIGGER”. When I pause, stay calm, don’t react and ponder, I can usually trace this pain back to my childhood and bring one more puzzle piece into the truth of my life. This is where authenticity shines and comes alive because until we understand the truth, we can’t let something go that we’re unaware exists……. can we?
So when I show up into a new space, a new environment, with new people, I aim to be me.. Nothing more, nothing less, as being myself is more than enough in this crazy world we live in. I have found grief groups to be my safe haven as they are places I’ve been able to uncover and discover the truth so the real me can be seen. With practice in these emotionally safe places, I am able to embrace my feelings of anxiety/grief/etc. by sharing & listening to others in a safe group setting.
Today, I have the courage in this big world we live in to “choose” to be with those that want to be with the REAL me, and not the me that was trained to fit in.