The Lost Child
Playing a role instead of being oneself, is often the case coming from a dysfunctional family. The need to fit in when I was little was so great that I now see I was forced to sacrifice my soul to somehow feel like I fit in. I learned to pretend things were fine when really, they weren’t, and playing a role (wearing a mask) was a way for me to feel safe and survive in my family growing up. My need to feel accepted by the other members of my family was so great that I unconsciously buried who I was in order to blend in.
In learning about dynamics that occur from Childhood Trauma, I’ve discovered that children that are incapable of being themselves at an early age are forced to take on a role in order to survive. There are 6 main roles that are taken, coming from a dysfunctional family, and with narcissistic parents, a 7th role often shows up as “The Golden Child Syndrome”. The Golden Child & “Hero” is usually the first born, the second born is often the “Scapegoat”, the third born is often the “Lost Child” and the fourth, the “Mascot”. In my family where I’m one of four children, we took on these roles like textbook. My dad was a “Narcissist” (and also the Identified Patient), and my mom was the “Co-dependent Angry Caretaker”.
I’ve also discovered that children that come from dysfunctional families often taken on more than one role, and often swap roles, depending on what’s going on in their lives at any given time.
I am the 3rd of 4 children, and took on the role of “The Lost Child” the invisible one, the one that didn’t have a voice, the one that blended into the background for fear of being noticed, the one that learned how to people please just to get along and “try” and retrieve any kind of love in my family growing up; but little did I know…… LOVE was not there to get. I often felt this huge void inside that was impossible to fill until I learned how to give myself all I didn’t get in my home growing up. Loving myself today is of utmost importance as I’ve learned that in doing so along with grieving, has been the key to my healing.
As the lost child I attempted to blend into the background as much as possible to keep myself feeling safe while avoiding rocking the (sinking) boat. I felt ignored, neglected, and scared to draw any type of attention to myself. My dad used me as a trinket at times for his own Narcissistic ways and I was bred to be a people pleaser and had mastered this skill to get any type of positive attention in my family growing up.
I felt invisible most my life and to some degree, I liked it that way as I figured if no one noticed me, then somehow, I couldn’t get hurt. The truth was, I wanted people to notice me, I wanted people to love me, but unfortunately for me my repressed emotions from childhood would be constantly getting in the way of me living a normal healthy life. I had no idea this phenomenon was occurring, as it had been happening my entire existence. It wasn’t until I became “AWARE” of the TRUTH when learning how to process my grief from my past, did I realize I had been living a lie most my life, but didn’t know it. In discovering this most fascinating case, it’s given me the opportunity of being set free from the victimhood that was tossed on me by my parents and supported by my siblings. My siblings learned to follow my parents lead because they too were trying to survive their repressed emotions (trauma) like me. Because I got the worst role of them all (THE LOST CHILD ROLE), the family system (my siblings & parents), all treated me accordingly. I’ve discovered when human beings are unconscious and unaware of their repressed emotions, we tend to act one way to survive, which usually is not aligned with our true nature. The gift that comes when consciousness enters the picture, When Awareness & Clarity begin to occur, is the “GIFT” (opportunity) for change.
With “Awareness & Clarity” change is possible
I believe everyone wants to be appreciated for who they are, however, being born into craziness makes it impossible to happen until change occurs. Learning to get in touch with my repressed emotions was instrumental in my evolution. Embracing each trigger that comes my way when life shows up has been the key to my transformation as I repeat this mantra when pain shows up:
Pause - Reflect - Observe the pain - Stay out of negative thinking - Tell myself the truth, which is: