The Key to processing Trauma
Each time I encounter my dark emotions (grief/trauma), feelings of despair, sadness, anger etc….; My energy wants to leave…… & I MUST fight this!!
“I MUST stay present & do the opposite - as I know… if I do… this past pain has an opportunity to leave”
Today I learn from each and every trigger, feeling confident that one day I will become a master at this. When my trauma emerges thru being triggered by someone, some place, or situation; I still want to escape with distractions all to not feel this most uncomfortable feeling that shows up in my body…once again. My thoughts can still want to take over when these dark emotions emerge, which I know if allowed, life will get worse, and not better. I understand these negative thoughts that arise when my trauma is triggered, are thoughts from the past, thoughts & feelings that were suppose to be welcomed when I was little,, but weren’t. My feelings as a child “NEEDED” to be acknowledged, comforted and soothed with loving encouragement from my parents or any adult caregiver for that matter, that everything was going to be okay… and this did NOT happen. Instead, I was told “don’t cry or I’ll give something to cry about” which kept my emotions stuck inside my small little body with no where to go.
Today I can heal myself using each and every Trigger as an opportunity to learn & transform. As long as I don’t act out (with depression or out bursts of anger or any other means of distraction) transformation takes place. It’s in these moments that I MUST embrace & not escape - run - drink - drug - eat - or do any other distracting behavior to avoid the Truth of what my body is telling me. I MUST observe with no judgment the sensations that are occurring in my body at any given time.
As I grew up, my unprocessed emotions didn’t magically leave me because my body got bigger, but instead, this energy of anger, sadness, grief, fear, anticipation, and more remained hidden behind a veil of pretend. All my emotions that didn’t get acknowledged from the day I was born had piled up one by one inside this body I reside in until there was no more room, causing my diagnosis of “Clinical Depression”. I learned to ignore what I was feeling by disassociating from myself which made me feel safe at the time. I’ve now discovered in order to re-associate, I “MUST” to do the opposite. I MUST stay present & acknowledge the pain that I’m feeling as I choose new thoughts to think, such as:
“This pain will not kill me, this pain is from the past, this pain if I allow, will transform me into the person I’ve always meant to be. All I have to do is stay present & love myself with kindness as I endure this most uncomfortableness”
As I sit here on a Saturday morning writing this blog, I have relief, where yesterday and the day before, I did not. 2 days in a row, I was plagued with my dark emotions after being triggered by something someone said that brought me back to my past causing my body to not want to move as my mind was attempting to take over. I’ve been on this grief journey for 10 years now and have made it my passion in understanding trauma, and in my case “CHILDHOOD TRAUMA”. I get it, I know what to do, I understand much, but here I am once again, perplexed at this most fascinating phenomenon that has made my life, (I want to use much foul language here, but I’ll refrain), let’s just say, more than hard. Because I was brainwashed when I was young into thinking if I somehow make things look good, then somehow life will be good, was the lie of my existence that I continue to undo, one day at a time.
As I laid in bed last night after attending a monthly grief group on zoom, I was aware of my emotions. They were swirling around in my body feeling uncomfortable. I started naming them. I said
“Diana, I feel tightness in my chest, I feel my stomach a tad nauseous, my head is buzzing and I want to tell myself a story of how horrible I feel, but instead at this very moment, I will accept and observe.” (I did have this conversation with myself:)
I also told myself
“Diana, what you are feeling is old emotions that got stirred up and now has a chance of leaving your body. Be patient, accept this feeling fully without trying to distract yourself, breathe into it, be with it, it won’t kill you, it (this energy), just needs attention and acknowledgment, the acknowledgment that you didn’t get as a child. Tell yourself what you wanted to hear when you were little growing up in your dysfunctional home. Your feelings are valid, your feelings are your body’s way of telling you something. Just know that you are okay today and everything will work out. Stay present and accept that even though you don’t like how you are feeling, know that you are a human being, and human beings are designed to feel all emotions, not just the happy ones. This is the way of life, embrace it, breathe through it, and little by little know that this exercise will open you up for more joy because that’s what has happened each and every time you do this most simple (but challenging) task. You can do this, you can stay present and with practice, every time these dark emotions arise, know it’s an opportunity for TRANSFORMATION.”
“Transformation is the gift”
from staying present with the trigger
“Diana, think of the caterpillar that turns into a butterfly, the beauty that arises from this transformation. Focus here… and little by little you know your life is becoming more and more authentic and more and more beautiful…. EMBRACE IT!!”
and this is how I talk to myself .. The negative chatter is slowly leaving me, more and more each day as I stay present to what’s true and important… and that is: Loving myself with gentleness & kindness always, but especially when my dark emotions are present.