Discernment

Discernment was something I was not taught as a child.  Most adults in my life were inconsistent when it came to showing me right from wrong.  Witnessing my parents fight and argue while breaking things in their drunken nights, I knew as a 5-year-old girl, was wrong.  However, waking up the next morning to mom making dad breakfast, kissing him goodbye as he went off to work, seemed bizarre at best.  How is a young child to understand right from wrong when this is what was considered normal? 

It took me decades to understand the meaning of the word “Discernment”.  5 to be exact…  

The dictionaries description of Discernment is

“The Ability to Judge Well”   

This was something I was incapable of much of my life… and it was not my fault.  Childhood Trauma was the cause of my poor judgment and what manifested as a result.  Until I was able to understand what happened to me and the dynamics that formed as a result of being raised in a dysfunctional family, it would be nearly impossible for me to judge well.  I’ve learned when trauma is stuck in my body, this traumatic energy, wants me to run.  Run from anything that “feels” scary... and though it may not be.   

As I worked with Dr. Patrick Arbore, my grief counselor for almost a decade, I eventually learned the meaning of the word “Discernment”.  Patrick often told me to use discernment when I was grieving and feeling much pain, but I had no idea what he meant!   What’s discernment?  What does that mean?  How will discernment help me get out of pain?   

I’ve discovered that discernment won’t get me out of pain but will help me manage it.   With good judgment, I can monitor the amount of pain I experience at any given time.   

As I began to get in touch with my repressed emotions, I wanted to scream, I wanted to bolt as the pain felt too much; however, the deeper part of me knew this was something I had to do, something I intuitively knew would help me heal, and I was right.  I learned one trigger at a time how to manage my pain, manage my emotions, while being gentle with myself along the way. 

“Today, discernment is how I move forward in life, as without it, I’m a lost soul making poor decisions”   

Because growing up in the kind of home I grew up in, no one taught me “kindly” how to discern good from bad, right from wrong, true from false, so it didn’t come naturally.  But I’ve discovered, it’s never too late to learn how to live a new way, a healthier way as I anticipate a greener future!